15 things
by SkyeElf
Summary: We all know Sirius is insane, but his dear old mumsy doesn't, and she is just about to find out. As it turns out, insanity runs in the family. He annoys her so very often, as often as he possibly could. Being revamped!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: An obvious but necessary disclaimer: Yeah, HP belongs to me. Wait for it… in book and DVD form! I think I have a poster too…**

**Credit goes to HecatetheDarkWitch, she has this list on her profile and allowed me to turn it into a fic.**

**Also, this is a REVAMP. So there may already be reviews, I've taken down some chapters and now I'm rewriting it. I've grown as an authoress, and I would like to broaden my horizons too. Most of my multi-chaptered fics now are getting this treatment.**

**15 things to make your parents think you're insane.**

**Chapter 1: Follow them around the house everywhere.**

Sirius entered Grimmauld Place 12, an odd smile on his lips. That odd smile brought him, and by default his best friends, into a lot of trouble. James didn't mind, and Peter wasn't man enough to stand up for himself, but Remus went barking mad whenever one of Sirius' stupid scenarios got them in trouble.

"Sirius, where were you?" His mother demanded in an icy tone. He jumped – where the hell had she come from? And more than that, how could she have _moved _without him hearing her on the hardwood floor? He raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Out." He answered, shrugging. Though his eyebrow was still raised in suspicion, and he knew that look freaked his dear mother out quite a bit. It was clear in the way her overly plucked eyebrows knitted together. Gosh, she was ugly. She was the type of witch that muggles would hate, he thought, and he wanted to draw a huge mole on her nose and stick a few hairs to it.

"If you were off with werewolves and mudbloods again…" She started, and Sirius rolled his eyes in annoyance. He'd heard this before. And he didn't want to hear it again. He could probably recite it back to her by now.

"You'll what? Disinherit me?" He asked, mocking her. "I'm out of here one of these days anyways." He grinned a toothy grin at her.

The pudgy woman glared at him and got up from her seat, the one that Sirius seriously pitied, thinking tea was needed to relieve her of the headache of a son she bore.

She made her way to the kitchen, forgetting that she could simply summon Kreacher to make her tea for her. Sirius wondered about this, but shook it off.

She was just about to put the kettle on the stove after lighting a plate with her wand, but she paused in her steps – only for him bump into her. He tried to keep from pushing her away from him, he was disgusted by her.

"Sirius, what in Salazar's name are you doing?" She yelled at him, pushing herself away from the revolting boy.

"My, mother, what alliteration." He smirked at her, taking a single step back to allow her to pass. He really didn't want to be near her. He liked James' mother, she hugged him and smoothed his hair down, but his own mother was a downright bitch and Sirius wasn't surprised that his younger brother didn't hug her either.

She forgot her tea completely and hurried out of the room, up the stairs, straight to her bedroom. Behind her she heard soft thuds following her, as if someone was trying, and failing, to tiptoe… She flew around again, her face making Sirius think remarkably of a plum.

This time she ignored him and pushed past him to the bathroom. The thuds never left her. Why did he have to follow her to the bathroom?

Was her son truly _that _insane?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Moo when they say your name.**

"Sirius!" Walburga yelled up the stairs. "Time for dinner!" She slapped a hand to her face when she thought that she could've sent the elf to get him; the less contact she had with her lunatic son, the better.

She really didn't even like his company around the dinner table, he always chose the most disturbing and most inappropriate topics for dinner conversation, like the qualities of dragon urine or something equally obscene.

Sirius pounded down the stairs, making it sound as if it was more like a herd of cattle than a single teenage boy. She shook her head, thinking all was finally lost, and that he had mistaken himself for a herd of cattle and not the proud pureblood he truly was.

"Sirius!" His mother scolded him. He shouldn't 'thunder' down the stairs, he should 'gracefully descend', like a gentleman would.

The thundering footsteps continued until he was right in front of her. He grinned again.

"Moo." He said, pouting his mouth for the last sound. He didn't make it sound like a cow's sound, all he did was childishly say the word.

"Sirius?" She asked impatiently – she didn't feel like his shenanigans right at that moment. If she'd been holding a dishtowel, she would've slapped him with it, but of course she wouldn't go that low.

"Moo." He repeated with his cocky grin still in place. She really wanted to wipe that smirk of his face. Preferably in a very painful way and a way that would make the bloodtraitor see light.

"Sirius Orion Black!" She yelled his birth name at him – she knew how much he hated his name. He liked Sirius good enough, but she couldn't fathom why. He was named after a dog star – she didn't exactly see the irony in it.

"Moooooooo…" This time he dragged it out, running to the dining room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Run into walls.**

"Sirius! Time for dinner!" She yelled up the stairs again, again wondering why the hell she didn't just send up the damned elf. She also honestly hoped he wouldn't think he was a cow again – or a bull, as he was male. No one had been able to enjoy the beef stew that Kreacher had prepared. Except for Sirius, of course, who continued to make the horrendous sounds all through dinner. Again, he chose the strangest topics – this time, the way a cow gives birth in excruciating detail.

"Coming, mother!" The reply came. He had answered in a very formal voice that made her think of Orion's voice and manner of speaking. Was his shenanigans of the day, because she'd been expecting it, going to be him mocking his father? Because she would not stand for it.

He ran down the steps, taking three at a time. She wanted to tell him to slow down, but decided against it, maybe he'd fall and break his neck.

He didn't stop when he reached the end, however, and slammed straight into the wall. She really hoped the wall would be okay.

"Sirius, just get to the dining room!" She yelled at him, rolling her eyes in a very unladylike fashion, but she didn't care, no one could see her anyways. She glanced at her mad son, and thought no one _normal_ could see her.

Sirius grinned at her before frisking his way to said room. She watched his strut, and saw what was going to happen before it was happened. But he wasn't headed for the door, no, he slammed into the wall _next to _the door.

Walburga stared. Had the healers dropped him as a baby? She severely hoped so, otherwise she would have to re-examine her mothering skills.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.**

It was the beginning of the Summer holidays, and Sirius wasn't keen on returning to the madhouse. And that really was saying something, because Hogwarts was the maddest place on earth according to James.

His mother would try and force him into a green tuxedo for the annual party with the Black family… He'd be forced to smile at darling psychotic Bellatrix and to socialise with perfect Narcissa.

Andromeda, the last Black sister, had been disinherited – it was one of the proudest moments of the Black son's life. He had the utmost respect for her, because she chose to follow her heart over following tradition.

Once he appeared at Grimmauld Place, he let loose a heavy sigh. He also made sure his lunatic mother could hear it. He actually preferred detention with Filch to home. Though home was with Prongs, not where his mum would scowl, glare, shout, yell (and every other possible synonym for those words) at him, while his father would ignore him in iciness, waiting for Sirius' rebel phase to pass.

Not gonna happen, though. Sirius loved his rebellion against the Black legacy, it was hilarious, at least to himself and he was sure to Andromeda too.

That's why, that evening when they all sat down for 'family fun time' (as Sirius thought of it in a cynical tone), but was actually three hours where he was told he was a disappointment and how Reg was great, awesome and whatever the heck else, he went downstairs, wearing only his pride.

"Sirius!" Walburga shrieked, covering her eyes. "What in the name of Salazar, Merlin, Mordred and Morgana is going on?"

"What about Rowena, Helga and Godric? You forgot them." Sirius inserted, frowning.

"Cover yourself!" His mother yelled, shielding Reg's eyes from his brother's indecency, but Sirius swore he saw the kid smirking at his antics. Sirius grinned – Reg wasn't really that bad, he was just the typical prissy English heir and school boy with excellent marks.

"I will not!" Sirius boomed, sticking out his chest.

"Sirius, listen to your mother and go put on some bloody clothes!" His father commanded him. Sirius was in serious danger of starting to laugh before he could utter the last lines.

"No. Wearing clothes is against my religion. And it's very liberal…" he started swinging his hips back and forth, a wide grin on his face. Reg hid his laughter behind his hands.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Wake them up at four in the morning.**

Damn that Remus! Said person had sent him a box of chocolate frogs, and a box of chocolate cauldrons and finished it with a batch of sugar-cubes; thus making him wolfing down half of it – and he was currently on a sugar-high. He usually went to sleep around midnight, but it was two minutes to four, and he still was unable to sleep.

A mischievous grin crept unto his lips as he snuck from his room to theirs. It was at the end of the hall, way at the end, as far away from his room as possible. It used to be next to their, but ever since Sirius could think for himself, he'd had his current room.

Annoying them was one of his favourite things to do. And he decided to do it until he would leave at the end of the summer.

He chose his mother – tormenting her was better than anything else. His father didn't give him the reactions his mother did, and her face when he swung his dong in front of her was hilarious.

He opened the door slowly, wincing when it squeaked, tiptoed over to her side of the bed.

She was sleeping peacefully. Her nostrils were opening and closing loudly in a snore. He waited another few minutes before leaning over her, a large grin on his lips and his eyes widened freakishly.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" He yelled very loudly, hoping it would awake both her and his emotionless father.

Walburga shook awake and screamed at the horrifying face. Her hands were next to her head, her mouth open and all of her teeth showing… Sirius moved away, her breath could stun a horse.

"No, no, daddy, I did not eat the last pumpkin pasty!" She shrieked. Sirius retracted even more.

Good, so insanity ran in the family.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Plucking out hair.**

She'd done it; she'd forced him into the dreaded green tuxedo for the annual Black party. He scowled at himself in the mirror and pulled at the collar, it was annoying! He had tried to take it off with magic, but the bloody thing just grew back!

Once they'd arrived at the party, he'd just went off to play with a flea he found. The flea was a lot better company than the other individuals at the admittedly fancy yet boring party.

Andy was there, but everyone ignored her. That was until she found Sirius playing with a flea. She confided everything to him, he nodded the entire time. When she was done he smiled. She frowned at him, unsure of what to make of his smile.

"I've been trying to get my parents to disinherit me… speaking of, I need to go torture and shame them a bit…" He winked at his darling, and this time that word wasn't meant in sarcasm or irony, cousin. She just laughed at him.

He stood up, allowed the flea to run off, and went up to find Bellatrix. He pulled a hair from her head. She rounded on him, dementia already there.

"DNA!" He yelled, going over to Narcissa. He plucked one of her hairs too, and ran off. He found his father, and severed one of his moustache-hairs. He wasn't sure if they knew what DNA stood for – he only knew because of Lily – and went on muttering under his breath about his batch of Polyjuice Potion.

"Sirius Orion Black!" Walburga shrieked. Sirius turned to her, a large smile adorning his face. He was growing fond of his large name.

"Moo!" He yelled at her, before dancing off to find Andy again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Spell the words 'I'm a retard' to float above your head at family gatherings.**

Sirius and Andy smiled at one another – this was what they'd been waiting for: the climax of the annual family get-together. They would announce the best dressed for the party, and Sirius wanted to make a splash! Though there was no pool, otherwise he would've taken that up literally.

He knew he wouldn't win, because he had been forced into an awful suit when he could've just win by arriving naked, but he didn't want to expose his family to all that sexiness. Okay, maybe he would… hmm, that was an idea… They had gone all out, even a stage had been set up and a trophy designed.

He strutted out into the hall, just as his mother announced they were going to call up the winner, wearing only a toga, and tapped his wand to his head. The words "I'm a retard" flashed bright green (to disgrace their Slytherin roots) above his head. He removed his toga when he reached the middle of the hall – silence seemed to echo, if that was possible. Andy was outside, not trusting herself inside.

Sirius jumped high, screaming, as loud as he could, the words that glowed brightly above him. He jumped on the stage and grabbed the trophy, tearfully accepting the award of best dressed.

Andromeda's eyes went wide as she re-entered the hall, only wishing to see why no one had shrieked in disgrace yet.

She shook her head, not being able to supress the laughter anymore.

Sirius had forgotten to put on underwear.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Vern, Veer, Been, Skye, Zia, Eugene, Anna, Sage, Zane and SkyeElf.**

Sirius was forbidden from ever leaving his room again. Or that was what it felt like. He didn't like it. He hated it. He hated it a lot. He wanted to make her pay.

He had been severely punished for his misdeeds at the Black family party. But he wouldn't change what he'd done – Bellatrix had, oddly enough, not freaked out, she did, however, get this extremely weird smile on her face. Sirius made a mental note to avoid her for, well, forever.

"Sirius, dinner!" I wasn't even an invitation anymore, but a demand. He wondered why the hell she didn't use the stupid elf, because he would much rather face that thing.

He sighed heavily, thinking his creativity was as of now a moot point. He scolded at his broomstick – then it struck him. First: his broomstick had done nothing to him, and he quickly apologised to it. (Strange habit he'd picked up from James.)

He took a step down, and banged the wall. All the way down he yelled at the wall in Gibberish whilst banging it.

"Sirius Orion Black – what in the name of Salazar are you doing?" She demanded. She thought his name would annoy him, but he was starting to love it.

"You stay out of it." He glared at her before returning his eyes to the wall. "No, Vern, I don't give a damn, you may not draw me naked covered only in Vaseline, all right?"

Two seconds of silence passed. Sirius pretended to listen.

"No, I don't want one of my mother either – do you want to scar me for life?" Another second. "I don't care what you and your gay ostrich get up to at night and how good you say it feel; I have no desire to join you!"

Walburga frowned. What the… what the hell?

"You stay out of it, Skye, there will be no excessively pink elephants at my wedding!" He yelled. It had taken him a while to think of all the random things to say to people he invented.

"No, I don't want to 'touch your pocket', Been, you loony kangaroo!" He looked somewhere else.

"Sage, you keep that trident away from me!" He pulled his hands up to protect his face

"Zane, keep your fangs in, I will not snog Sage!" Sirius seemed terrified at the idea. Walburga had watched him for the past few minutes, wondering where she had gone wrong, when he attacked the troll-foot umbrella stand. "You keep away from me, Anna, I am not some poor defenceless chicken you can cut up!" His voice grew even more terrified. "Zia, put away the gun, please! And the razors! You are not Sweeney Todd!"

Sirius slumped against the wall. Breathing deeply, as if terrified and exhausted because of this terror.

"All right, Eugene, I will stop screaming at Zia as soon as you get that squid out of my face." He yelled at the space in front of him, kicking the air.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Freedom!**

Finally, Sirius thought, some freedom. Some well-deserved freedom, he reckoned. He'd been locked in his room for the last three days.

His parents had let him out, only to buy his things for the up and coming Hogwarts year. He was hoping to meet up with James and Remus, but with his parents were with him (afraid of him running around naked, plucking hair from random strangers' head and mooing at them whilst he did it). Still, it was better than being asked about Vaseline or petroleum jelly by a purple alien or be forced onto a pink elephant by Skye.

Sirius smiled as another idea for Black embarrassment crept into his thoughts. He _had _already told James to meet him at the ice cream shop, and he didn't like to break his promises.

He waited until they were in a very public place, surrounded by purebloods, half-bloods and muggleborns.

"No, mom, I will not make out with you! My name is not Bellatrix!" He yelled, then ran for it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: Doing what your parents tell you.**

"Sirius!" She called again. She had finally asked Kreacher to call him, but the elf slammed himself in the face with the fire poker in his abundant refusal.

It sounded like an elephant ran down the stairs. She shook her head again – he truly needed some help.

"Yes, mum?" Sirius replied, pure innocence on his handsome face.

"Would you please call Kreacher?" Walburga asked. She knew she could do it herself, but bothering Sirius seemed like a pleasant idea. And Kreacher slamming his face with a fire poker was even funnier.

"Of course. Kreacher!" Sirius called, his voice the lightest tone possibly.

The elf popped into the room. It did not look pleased with Sirius calling it.

"Yes, master?" Even Walburga could hear the disdain in the small creature's voice. That made her like the elf a bit more.

"My mother's looking for you." He told the elf, shrugging. He turned his attention back to his mother, looking at her eyes politely.

"Sirius, will you make me a cup of tea?" She asked next. She was going to see his reaction – it should be good. Dramatic or insane, she would take it – she was extremely bored.

"Yes, mum." Sirius replied, skipping to the kitchen. Walburga stared. Did Sirius just obey an order she gave? Twice?

Minutes later he returned, a cup of tea outstretched in front of him. He handed it to her with a smile.

"How about you go help your brother with his training?" She asked, her voice uncertain.

"Yes, mother." Sirius said, following another order.

What the hell had happened to her rebel son? Was he seeing the light? Maybe he was embracing his heritage?

No, he was definitely up to something.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Learn to fly.**

Sirius made sure to make a lot of noise as he left Grimmauld Place. He wanted even his emotionless father awake for this.

"Sirius, where are you going?" His mother demanded. She was donning a large robe, but it didn't even start to cover her body. She wasn't the most sightly lady. He wasn't even sure if 'sightly' was a word, but if it wasn't, he had just invented it.

"To the roof, of course." He replied sweetly, going on with his journey.

"What in the name of Merlin are you going to do there?" She yawned, rubbing her left eye with her fist. He wondered how the hell she could demand when she was obviously very tired.

"I'm going to learn to fly, duh." He replied.

"Are you taking your broom?" She yawned again, and he thought the fact that she asked if he was going to take his broom, was possibly the most caring thing she'd ever done.

"No."

"Your wand?" She asked next – she was sure some sort of levitating spell existed; she just never learned it.

"No." He repeated his earlier reply.

"A carpet?" She knew those were outlawed, but they still had a few stashed away somewhere, that much she knew.

"No."

"A magic cloak?" She knew some sort of cloaks gave you the ability to fly, maybe Sirius had bought one?

"No."

"Then how do you want to fly?" She relented. This was probably just his daily dose of shenanigans.

"I'm going to spontaneously grow wings, mother." He said, looking at her as if she was stupid. "How else?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: The sixth sense.**

Sirius was being dragged along, he was to go do his school shopping, and come hell or high water, his mother would be doing it with him. He scowled all the way, thinking of a way to both shame and humiliate her. There were many ways, but he couldn't blame Bellatrix again, that one was taken.

He saw a scared little boy coming out of the wizard bank, and grinned. Evans once told them about a certain movie about a similarly scared boy. Only their reasons for being scared were vastly different.

They entered the Leaky Cauldron, where, oddly enough, the Bloody Baron was speaking to the bartender. His idea struck him then. It would be perfect.

He arranged his features into shock, and winced before taking his mother's hand. She pulled her hand back in disgust, but he held onto her, even though he was supressing the urge to throw up all over her.

''Sirius, what now?'' She asked impatiently. He stepped closer to her, and, terrified, he whispered: ''I see dead people.''

Walburga slapped her hand to her face.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Liar!**

Sirius smirked at the look on his mother's face, letting go of her hand quickly, fearing he actually would throw up.

''Sirius, that is the Bloody Baron, you full well know it.'' She said slowly, as if afraid he wouldn't understand. He gasped (quite dramatically) and pointed at her, his finger shaking.

''Liar!'' His voice was unnaturally high.

''Sirius Orion Black - you listen to me right now! You're not some fool...'' She started, waving her hands around madly.

''Liar!'' He yelled again, his other hand covering his mouth, as if he'd just been told the Bloody Baron was actually his mother.

''We're going home right now! And you are going to stay locked in your room until your father gets home!'' She took ahold of his arm, but he wrenched it away.

''Liar!'' He sobbed, clinging to the nearest bystander. ''You've lied to me about being my mother – now I'm about to find out my father's not real too?'' He started to breath quickly, all the signs of hyperventilation.

Walburga was gobsmacked. Was he really that stupid?

''So help me...''

''Liar!'' He cried again, hugging the random bystander. The bystander was trying to get the strange teenage boy off of him, but still had a worried expression on his face.

''Sirius, I'm your mother...''

''Liar!'' It sounded again. Walburga looked as though she was going to burst.

''Sirius Black!''

He grinned cockily, letting his hands fall. ''Moo!''


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Swimming**

Sirius felt bedraggled. There was no other word for it but bedraggled. He was tired, annoyed and worn in every other way.

He knew just what he needed, so good ol' mumsy annoying seemed like a good idea and a fun activity.

That was why he stripped himself almost naked, leaving only a pair of underwear on his muscled body, and paraded downstairs, making as much noise as he possibly could, which was a whole lot, considering he was barefoot and it was a wooden floor.

''Salazar, Sirius, what are you up to now?'' Walburga yelled from the living room, about to take a sip from her tea. ''I am not a liar and I will not have you moo-ing at me! You are not a cow!''

''Well, me moo-ing was me imitating you, mumsy dearest!'' He called back, ''And Salazar? Why not Godric? You insult me, mumsy!''

She'd have yelled at him again, were it not for the incredibly loud 'thud' that sounded. It sounded as if he'd fallen. Then softer, yet still annoying, thuds could be heard at intervals. She rushed to see what was going – afraid he'd broken the floor, or damaged it somehow. She was glad the wall he'd walked into the other day was fine.

What she saw, however, made her want to slap either herself or him.

Sirius was trying to swim in the floor.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Tap-tap-tap**

Sirius grinned as he slung his bag over his shoulder. This would be fun. This was the last thing on his silly little list, and he loved it.

He walked to his parents' room, making as much noise as he possibly could, knocking on the series of doors and for effect. He slammed the wall too.

Regulus' door opened a crack, but he rolled his eyes and returned to his bed. He was used to Sirius' nonsense by now, and Sirius knew it was hilarious.

Sirius came to a stop in front of his parents' bedroom door. He lifted his hand and started tapping on the door, softly at first, then louder until he was attempting to break their door off with his hand.

He did it for 4 hours straight, from midnight to 4am, where Walburga decided she'd had enough. Sirius was surprised she could hold out that long, was her snoring really that loud?

She wrenched the door open and started yelling at him. He had the audacity to hold up a finger to silence her.

"I shall leave, my dear, sweet, insane, horrible, awful, annoying, odd, strange, terrifying, irritating, mad, mattress-like mother." He pressed a kiss to his hand and slapped her cheek. "I'm not sorry."

He peered into the room, finding his father nude on the bed. So that was what they were doing for four hours…

"Bye, pop, I'll see you... Well, never hopefully." He waved slightly.

Orion was too busy supressing his laughter at Sirius' ability to use adjectives to notice.

"Reg, you son of a bitch, I'll miss ya!" Sirius yelled at his brother before starting the long trek down the stairs.

At the bottom he kicked the ugly umbrella-stand for good measure.

Freedom was finally his! He walked to the middle of the street and turned on the spot, going to his real home, with the person that always stood by him and defended him when necessary.

He was going home. Forever.


End file.
